There is an urgent need in Wales for foster families to look after children of all ages, but there continues to be an increasing need for foster homes for teenagers.
In March 2022, 40% of the 7080 children in care of the local authority in Wales were aged 10 – 15, with a slightly higher number of boys than girls (source: (gov.wales)).
The many myths surrounding fostering teenagers, such as being “troublemakers”, can often stand in the way of people wanting to foster them. But teenagers are usually in foster care for the same reasons as younger children and quite often, can be easier than caring for young children as they are more independent.
Foster carers Gerry and Miriam, who foster with their local authority in Conwy, have opened their hearts and home to local teenagers who needed unconditional love and support, ensuring that they get the best possible start to their adult lives.
As they prepare to retire early next year, they look back and share some reflections of their 18 years of fostering teenagers with Foster Wales Conwy.
Fostering can be an enriching and rewarding experience that your whole family will benefit from. Children who foster learn valuable life lessons such as sharing, caring for others, empathy and more. Evidence suggests a proportion of birth children may go on to become foster carers themselves, enter caring professions and many feel that fostering has enhanced their social understanding skills.
Why we foster teenagers
Caring for others is something Miriam has always known, having being born and raised in a family-run nursing home, helping out from a very young age. Miriam later ran the business with her mum and has recently taken over, which is now an emergency accommodation provider, many of whom are care leavers.
As a couple, Gerry and Miriam have always had a caring nature and would often open their home to friends during difficult times. Fostering young people was clearly something natural for them do to.
“We’ve all been there ourselves,” Miriam said. “I remember how I behaved and felt as a teenager.
Teenagers just need someone to be on their side, someone to see the potential in them and help guide them to adulthood.” .
Young people in foster care need to feel safe and protected
Whether you’ve had experience of caring for teenagers of your own or just remember being a teenager yourself, many parents and foster carers find their teenager’s behaviour difficult to manage at times. Challenging behaviour is an essential part of growing up and becoming more independent, but for many young people in care, they may have experienced trauma during their childhood.
“Many of our friends have teenage children and when we chat about our teens, their behaviour and needs are quite similar,” Miriam said.
“Most teenagers are grumpy in the mornings, will push boundaries, only wear branded sportswear and are glued to their mobile phones!
But like all children, young people in foster care need to feel safe and protected. They need security and stability. They need to feel loved.
Give them a nice bedroom, their own space.
Spend some one-to-one time with them, it’s important. Go shopping with them, let them choose their own stuff. Let them make their own decisions.
Always take their past into consideration. We never shout at our foster children, for instance. They might have come from a life of people shouting at them.”
“We always focus on the positives” – Miriam and Gerry
Gerry added: “We’ve never mollycoddled them.
We’ve always taught our young people essential life skills, given them some responsibility and encouraged independence for the future. Things like how to do their own washing, ironing and chores around the house, phoning the doctor themselves when they turn 16 – things they will have to do to survive when they are adults.
At the end of the day, it’s for their own good.”
You need a good sense of humour!
The ability to build and maintain a natural relationship with young people in foster care is an important part of being a foster carer. After caring for more than 35 young people during their 18 years as foster carers, what are the personal skills and qualities that Miriam and Gerry consider most essential to succeed when fostering teenagers?
“Being approachable can make a difference to your relationships with teenagers and can help you communicate with them,” Miriam explained.
“Be a good listener and try and see things from their perspective. You need to gain their trust, one day at a time. You need to be patient and understanding.
Gerry added: “You definitely need a good sense of humour with teenagers, and humour requires being open-minded!
Have a laugh and find ways of using humour during the more difficult times. That is really important when dealing with teenagers.
Be firm, but fair, and pick your battles!
Learn how to overcome challenging situations and move on.
I have learned to do this by taking some time away from difficult or stressful situations. I’ll go and sit in my hammock in the garden for 10 minutes or so and have some time to myself to think and put things into perspective. That always works for me!”
Life’s little moments are speical
There are many special moments in fostering but it’s those life’s little moments that have meant the most to Gerry and Miriam.
“Things like a birthday card or a fathers day card, the little words of thank you that our foster children have written themselves in cards,” Gerry said.
“Those will stay in our hearts forever and we have kept every single one of them.”
Creating memories and have a laugh!
“We also treasure the experiences that we’ve shared with the young people that we have fostered - going on holidays abroad and taking them to London,” Gerry said.
“Taking them camping for the first time, which they all love (as long as there’s decent wifi on site!). Toasting marshmallows on a firepit is always a hit – those are the things that they will remember.
Creating happy memories, and having a good laugh!”
Miriam explains how even the small everyday milestones have given them such a great sense of achievement as foster carers.
“Just seeing them just going to school in clean clothes is such a huge achievement for some,” she said.
“Seeing them perform in school concerts, looking for you in the audience from the stage – those moments make us so proud.”
Support is always there when we need it
With Foster Wales, your local authority fostering service, you’ll always have people to support and encourage you, at every point. You’ll have an experienced, professional social worker on hand to support you, your family and your whole network. You’ll also have access to a range of support groups, where you’ll get to know other local foster carers.
“We’ve always felt happy fostering with our local authority in Conwy,” Miriam said.
“We have good relationships with the team and have always felt supported, respected and valued. Our social workers have been marvellous.
They trust us and let us get on with it, which is what we prefer, but they are always there when we need them.
Managing social media, for instance, is always a challenge with teenagers, but our local authority have guided and supported us with that, which is what we needed.”
Personal support network is also important
Having your own support networks made up of friends and family is also important to foster families when needing emotional and practical support, as Gerry explains:
“It’s important to have your own personal support networks in fostering, not only for us as foster carers but also for the foster children,” he said.
“Our friends have always acccepted our foster children as our own and have always included them in everything we do together as friends. We always go camping together!
They’ve never labelled them as ‘foster children’”.
I’m now a proud Foster Nanna!
Miriam and Gerry now feel that the time is right to retire from fostering. Miriam will continue to run the emergency accommodation business, with Gerry’s help.
“I don’t know how I’m going to cope with a quiet house,” Miriam said.
“If it was down to me, they would all still be living here with us, but they have to find their own way in the world and make a life for themselves.
It’s hard for young people to get on the property ladder these days, but they know that we are still here for them, whenever they need us.
They are part of our extended family. They always want to come back for their Sunday dinners!”
Seeing our foster children going on to form families of their own, going to college, getting jobs is so special to us.
I’m now a foster ‘Nanna’ to two young children of one of the young people we fostered, which is such a privilege. I was honoured to be present at the birth of both of them, which was amazing and something I thought I’d never get to experience.
When they leave, it’s a mix of sadness and happiness but knowing that we’ve given them a foundation is what it’s all about. You have to put your feelings to one side.”
It’s no Mary Poppins film but we wouldn’t change a thing!
“Fostering teenagers is no Mary Poppins ‘Sound of Music’ film,” Gerry said.
“It’s challenging and you must have realistic expectations.
Sometimes a relationship with a foster child just doesn’t work out, which as a foster carer is never a nice feeling.
But despite the challenges, we wouldn’t change a thing, and have no regrets.
Fostering is rewarding and the children we have fostered over the years have brought so much fun, laughter and happiness into our lives.”
Could you foster, like Gerry and Miriam?
If you live in Conwy, contact Foster Wales Conwy and a member of our dedicated team will be in touch for a friendly, no obligation conversation to help you decide if fostering is right for you.
If you live anywhere else in Wales, visit Foster Wales for more information and to find your local authority fostering team.
